Part of Me

18 02 2012

I know it’s been a long time since I updated this site and I wont deny that part of my trepidation about writing stemmed from the fact that I employ a lot of emotion when writing and I was scared of the depths of emotion that I developed post-breakup. There was a sense of plunging into fathomless depths of feeling if I started writing again so I allowed myself a respite from all that emotion and stopped writing. I knew that I would be coming back to myself when I started writing again and although I had a few false beginnings…I really started to feel a desire to write again in the last week or so.

Part of this return to writing came when I went to our family condo in Islamorada, FL for Christmas with my dad and stepmom because I began writing and editing a line of books with her that she is releasing this year. Working that closely with the texture and nuance of words kindled a fire that was smoldering beneath a lot of pain…and even though it meant writing with tears in my eyes many nights, I began to write and love words again. 

Writing has always been a constant in my life and words have always been a place of safety and consistency for me as I have grown. My vocabulary has grown and changed but the texture and feel of words has not changed no matter how much I have. I will always love the way I can roll words around in my head or my mouth and sense whether the word has the right shape, texture and residual correctness for a blank that needs filled. That satisfaction of finding the right word is better than almost anything else I can think of (which might tell you how satisfying my life is right now).

My return to writing comes with the caveat that I do it for myself. Not for my readers, my friends, my family or the man that has recently made me come to love words and my skills with them. I made the promise to myself that when I picked this back up it would be for myself, my reasons and my desires and no one else’s. I knew that it would hurt to write, to explore my mind and find things that inspired me again but it hurts less every time I write. It’s refreshing to find things that inspire me to write, it’s bolstering to do something I am really good at.

It reminds me that no matter how much I have lost, I have not lost this. This is a part of me that no one can take away from me.




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