The “Divorce”

8 10 2011

I wonder what you are thinking right now…whether I ever cross your mind, whether you see something and think of me or catch your breath when you see someone on the street and think that it’s me for a split second. I wonder whether you think about the last six and a half years and ask yourself where we went wrong, how we ruined our relationship so badly. I think about your hands, your eyes, your lips and I miss the closeness of having someone in my life who knew me better than anyone else in the world…someone who could anticipate what I was thinking, what I wanted, what I would say just because they knew me so well. I miss lying on your chest and hearing your heart beat and knowing that your heart belonged to me and only me. I miss belonging to someone.

It’s surreal being back in this house since this is the last place I lived on my own before I lived with your family and then with you. I have this strange sense that you are just about to call me or walk in the door and then I remember that we aren’t together anymore and that you’ll never call or walk in the door again. It’s nice to be around people and have friends close again but I feel like the trade off of gaining friends and losing you was unfair. I keep reminding myself that love isn’t always enough and that even though I loved you with my entire being…we just were not meant to be together for the rest of our lives and it would have been unfair to try to keep each other tied down to an unhappy relationship. It was so hard to walk away from you when I knew that you would have spent the rest of your life with me but I thought we both deserved the chance to be with someone who we were perfectly paired with instead of fighting tooth and nail to make it work between two people that were incompatible as we were. I thought I was doing the right thing but I didn’t know that doing the right thing would be so heart breaking.

I pray that you find someone that can love you in all the ways that I couldn’t. I pray that I find someone like that, too. I pray that the pain of not having you in my life subsides soon.

This has been my beautiful broken time. My heart is broken, my body is broken. My mind keeps breaking as I push thoughts and memories of you away time and again. I feel like I have been through a divorce since I felt like we were husband and wife except for the ceremony and I feel like I lost all of that when I realized that neither of us were happy but that you would never leave me. This beautiful broken time after the “divorce” as we refer to it has tested me, strengthened me, broken me and will hopefully purify me…I’m so sorry I did this to us.

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