Staying Behind

7 10 2011

I became so accustomed to sleeping next to you and feeling you breathe and move that waking up in an empty bed feels strange. The safety of your arms around me kept me calmed and relaxed and the slow, deep breaths that you took as you drifted off to sleep often lulled me into dreams myself. The intimacy of knowing your sleeping breaths, holding your hand and being familiar with every inch of your body has been ripped from me and other people feel wrong. I catch myself comparing them to you and rejecting the differences because they simply aren’t what I have spent the last six and a half years with and they feel foreign. I don’t know that I can grow accustomed to another person and their habits, smells, touches, looks…I don’t know that I want to after the pain of losing you. Every day, I begin a love letter to you in my head and rip it up a thousand times til the tiny pieces scatter in my mind…I know that I was the one that left but you are the one that stayed in my heart and head.

 

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