My Beautiful Broken Time

6 10 2011

I miss you.

My mind drifts back to you and I can’t focus on all the bad things that made me leave you. All I can see are the moments when I loved you so much that I felt like my world would collapse if you weren’t in my life. The memories of what it felt like to be loved by you keep flooding back and they crash down on me over and over until it feels like I can’t move or breathe or speak. I can’t remember the last time we kissed. I can’t remember the last time you told me you loved me. I can’t remember the last time that you looked at me with all of that love in your eyes and I felt safe. All I feel is alone.

I know that we weren’t meant to be together but I never thought that being apart from you would hurt this much. I thought that my heart had been shattered into too many pieces to even feel this pain but the pain is magnified and reflected in each broken shard of my heart. It feels like I lost my best friend, my lover, my roommate and my future all in one moment…it feels like I didn’t get the chance to say goodbye to you or the last six and a half years. It feels like there was so much left to say to one another and we never had the chance.

The only thing I can wish for is a chance to heal. I want time to erase this pain or at least dull it. I wanted a chance to be myself again but I didn’t realize that you defined so much of who I am. This breakup has been devastating but I don’t have anyone to talk to about it since everyone keeps telling me that I am better off now without you. I try to hear them and the logic in their arguments but they didn’t know you the way I did…they didn’t see the horror of our fights or hear the cutting words that could crush me but they also didn’t see the way you loved me so well and so fiercely when I needed love the most.

You loved me in ways that I don’t think I will ever find again and the thought of starting over with someone else is so daunting. I keep seeing you in other people and turning away from the pain of recognition because I fear that if I let myself grieve the loss of you, I’ll never be able to stop mourning you.

It never occurred to me that I would lose my first love. I hope that you aren’t my last.




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