The Reason Why

13 08 2011

People keep asking me why I decided to leave my almost-six-and-a-half-year relationship and I find myself unable to put my finger on just one reason. I think that I found my breaking point after six years of being told to change, being told that I was not enough and feeling as though I had to jump through hoops to be loved. I understand that relationships are not based on unconditional love because people are human and cannot love unconditionally, but I didn’t like that feeling that I had to earn someone’s love. The breaking point came after years of feeling dissatisfied and miserable and staying with something because of the time invested in it rather than as a result of deep love and compatibility. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do but ultimately a choice that I think will benefit me in the grand scheme.

It has been disconcerting to realize that my entire future has been wiped clean and all those well-laid plans have become obsolete. All my plans for the family, kids and eternity of love have disappeared with the words, “I can’t do this anymore” and I find myself untethered for the first time in six years. For the first time in a long time, I can make plans and not consider someone else’s feelings and plans. I put my life on hold for a long time to accommodate my boyfriend and I feel like I might have lost a little too much of myself in trying to please him and keep our relationship going. I need to remember to take care of myself and rediscover the things that make me happy rather than constantly be planning for someone else’s life.

Unfortunately, I am slightly daunted and terrified by all this empty space and time. I have spent the last six years with another person next to me in bed, another person to tell the ins and outs of my days and to be the support network that I needed in some of the toughest times of my life. In an instant, that support and comfort is gone and I am learning what it means to be on my own. I think that I have never really been on my own as an adult because I have never been single and on my own since I moved out of my dad’s house. I know that a lot of people think that it is an essential experience to live on your own and learn what it is like to be independent but I am so scared at the thought that it really is just me now. I rely pretty heavily on my friends in times like these and I am blessed to have some really special people in my life but it still isn’t the same as having D there to hold me, hug me and tell me that it will be ok.

I know I didn’t make a mistake but I feel bereft. I feel as though I lost my best friend, my boyfriend and a piece of myself in one swoop.

Sometimes the pain is staggering.

Sometimes I have to stand still a moment to let the pain pass before I can take a breath.

Sometimes, I feel as though my entire world is falling apart and I am not strong enough to catch and carry all the pieces.

So for now, I don’t know the reason why I left a man that I know would have spent the rest of his life with me. I just know that I did and I have to put my life back together on my own. I just know that I am beyond happy and free while mourning a deep loss at the same time and that dichotomy is mind boggling. I just know that I have to exist breath to breath because even breathing hurts right now.

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