There’s a pain, it does ripple through my frame

31 07 2011

For the longest time I thought that if I could find someone to love me, I could subsist inside their love for sustenance and contentedness. I believed that all of my problems stemmed from a lack of consistent love in my life and if I ever found someone who loved me day to day…all my problems would fade and seem inconsequential. I realize now that the person whose love I need to subsist inside is my own. I have spent my entire life waiting for other peoples’ approbation and I realize at the end of my 25th year that I will never be truly happy when trying to reside in another person’s love because I don’t even love myself wholly.

I have been told so many times that I need to love myself before I can love someone else but I never really heard the words until I realized that my self-hatred, –doubt and discontent have been detrimental in the development of my relationships. I need to learn to know and love myself so that I can be one half of a relationship rather than feeling like I have been absorbed by the other person since I am not solid on my own identity.

In my last relationship, I felt like I was constantly being molded, re-shaped, battered into the shape of what my partner wanted me to become. I never had a chance to learn who I was as a person because I spent six and a half years trying to be what he wanted because I think I was too terrified of having to define myself. I didn’t want the challenge of identifying myself because I think that too much self-scrutiny can be daunting, especially when you are 19 years old. I found it easier to define myself through his eyes, even when I knew that he had it all wrong. It was easier to let someone rewrite my definition than to write my own.

Towards the end, I began to understand that there was a deep-seeded fear of having to look at who I am as a person because I am horrified that I wont like what I see. I think that being abandoned by my biological mother has left a subconscious tendency to feel displaced and inferior (because no matter what, you always think that if she had only loved me more she would have made a way to keep me) and that has affected the way that I perceive myself. I have subconsciously based my self worth on the decision of one woman I have never met and allowed myself to be defined by a need for approval and acceptance as a result of being left by the one person who is supposed to nurture and accept you no matter what. I have developed an identity of longing…longing for a mother’s love and acceptance, longing for self-acceptance.

To come to this point, I have had to acknowledge that my biological mother’s abandonment of me has broken something intrinsic to my ability to love myself and other people. I never had the initial love that a being is supposed to experience when they are birthed, placed in their mother’s arms and cherished with a love so intense that I believe it marks a person for the rest of their life. That first interaction with love (and especially a love so pure as a mother’s for their own child) lays a foundation within that child from the first moment that a parent holds them in their arms and wants them.

In the end, I have to reject all the feelings of being undeserving of love because my own mother couldn’t love me and redefine love for myself. I have to love myself and be independent of someone else’s love before I can love another person…I have to be a complete person so I can completely love someone once I have learned to love myself.

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