Always Never

8 12 2010

I always count things to myself to reach even numbers (like how many times I lock a door or how many sips I take from a drink)…I never like to end on odd numbers because they feel “wrong” and make me anxious.

I always struggle with food and the guilt, the compulsions and the fear…I never think I will have a real relationship with food with intuitive eating and a sense of fulfillment without the guilt.

I always sleep with tons of pillows and blankets…I never sleep well without a sleep mask and ear plugs.

I always take things too personally…I never can take a joke without making myself relax and remember that it isn’t a personal cut down.

I always like to eat food with a spoon out of a bowl…I never like to eat off plates.

I always feel a hole inside that originates with both of my mothers leaving me…I never feel like I am a complete person (especially when I see other girls with their mothers).

I always get soy milk in my coffee because real milk makes me ill…I never drink coffee without burning my mouth on the first sip.

I always use anger, fighting and avoidance to deal with my abandonment and intimacy issues…I never seem to be able to handle relationships the way I want with purpose, balance and trust.

I always drink ice water when I get home from work…I never can drink caffeine at night (unless mixed with alcohol) because I am extremely susceptible to it.

I always wonder why God has given me so much pain and loss while he doesn’t wound other people in the same way…I never remember to be grateful for the things He has given me.

I always cry during Grey’s Anatomy…I never have Kleenex nearby.

I always feel most anxious when I am tired and sick…I never feel like I can let go.

I always read more than one book at a time…I never remember what page I am on.

I always feel like the day is going to be too much to handle…I never let myself feel that way all day.

I always remind myself that absolutes are unhealthy…I never remember that compromise isn’t easy.

Are there absolutes (always and never) that define you? Do you think in absolutes?




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