2 11 2010


Set adrift in an ocean of pain and sadness, I feel like my tiny raft has braved one too many storms, righted itself after one too many waves threatened to topple it and stayed afloat by patching one too many holes in its delicate structure. There seems to be the inevitable wave that will overturn me and then I am will be clutching the scattering pieces of the raft that has kept me out of the water for the past few years but constantly threatened to fall apart. How much beating can one boat take?

Think about the ocean and how unfathomably deep and dark it is…it seems bottomless, endless in its darkness and voluminous-ness. I can’t quite wrap my mind around how much water is contained in the ocean. Now think of that unimaginable bigness and imagine that the ocean is my grief, my despair, my sadness and my exhaustion and my sanity is riding in that tiny craft I described earlier…that is how tired and fragile I feel right now. I feel as if too many storms have hit my little boat and the wood is splintering, the rudder fell off and the sails are tattered. I don’t know how much more I can take.

Each day is another stretch of time wherein my boat is battered by relentless waves, some of them spilling in water that I desperately try to bail out, some of them bruising the wooden sides of my little boat.

All I need is a port in the storm. All I need is calm.




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