Itching for a Change

17 05 2010

I am ready for the next step…I feel like up until this point I have been really scared of taking the next step post college because I am scared of leaving what was comfortable for me. School has always been something that I am good at to a certain degree and there is a comfort there in academic success, in knowing what is needed to succeed and to prove myself. I worked hard to prove myself to my professors and peers and I left with a great confidence in my reading and writing abilities…and finding myself outside academic circles is disconcerting for me…

I know that personal growth comes from putting one’s self out there and challenging yourself to proactively grow and succeed rather than waiting for it to come to one’s self…but that is a really big step. I was scared if I took that step that I would fall flat on my face but I think that I am ready…there are so many things ahead of me: marriage, family, travel, writing, books, career, etc…I can’t wait to get to them.

One of the reasons I have come to this decision that I am ready for the next step is due to the success of other people I know. I am seeing friends and family succeed because they put themselves out there and I am ready to follow suit. There is no reason for me to sit here wondering whether I will fail or not…as long as I go into this with a positive “can do” attitude…there will be success down the road.

So I pray…

I pray that D gets his dream job so he can find success and satisfaction in his personal life, career, professional circle and friend group. I know that it bothers him that he worked so hard in college and hasn’t had the chance to utilize the skills and knowledge he acquired. I pray that a job comes along that will fulfill him so he can be happier.

I pray that I will find meaning in my own degree as I worked so hard and found so much pleasure in being a student. I pray that I find a path that appeals to me as I find myself wandering from job to job with little satisfaction and a lot of fear and doubt.

I pray that this summer brings love, happiness, joy, sharing and growth in our relationship as there are still things that we need to work on as a couple and individuals before we could think about joining our lives more permanently. Long distance took its toll and dating for 5 years has been more of a challenge than we had anticipated. I pray that we grow and make wise decisions for our future both as a couple and individually.

I pray that I grow as a person and leave behind the doubt, self-loathing, fear, disappointment and criticism that I let plague me from day to day because it is not conducive to personal growth, self confidence or character. I need to remember that the choices I have made have shaped me in the past, so the choices I make in the future will continue to shape me…I have the power to change the things I am dissatisfied with in my life and mold a more satisfying life for myself when I am discontented.

I pray that I find meaning in each day and learn to live and love in the moment rather than feat the “what ifs” that are out of my control. I pray that I learn to relinquish a little more of myself and what I want from life to Him with each day so that He can shape my life the way He wants it and I can try to control less.

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