Moments of Safety

27 02 2010

Lately, moments of safety have become more valuable to me as my life undergoes a major overhaul and the world seems to be falling apart at the seams. The recent disasters in Haiti and Chile have made me realize that the world is not governed by forces in my control and nothing in my life is within my power…this could either make me feel really powerless or really tested in terms of my faith in God’s bigger plan. I am choosing to believe that the world is in someone else’s power and that even though I cannot change the big things, I can change the way I react to them….I can choose to be positive and reminded that God is in control and that I need to worry less about what He has in store for me.

That discovery made me realize that this is a new level for me. A year ago I would be freaking out at the thought of being out of control of something that big because I am a control freak…I spent years of my life as a slave to my OCD and ED…and through years of hard work I have reached a new level where I am not feeling as though my every moment needs to be controlled, planned and dictated by OCD and ED. I have spent months without binge/purging or starving myself and when I have slipped up…I haven’t slipped back in the nasty guilt cycle or beat myself up for being human and in recovery. With this week being filled with NEDA and the Chile disaster I have realized how much progress I have made and how much better my life is when I am not trying to starve myself into oblivion or bent over a toilet with my fingers down my throat. This might seem really raw but I am feeling forthcoming and refreshingly honest today…

I have also just watched The Time Traveler’s Wife and that has made me realize the beauty of my relationship and cherish the time I have with D because I have the luxury of having him here without the danger of him disappearing with no notice. That movie made me re-evaluate what is important in my life because I have been longing for other things in my relationship without remembering that D is the love of my life and that I need to look at the small things that made me fall in love with him in the first place. I have had a reality check (after bawling through the movie twice in a row) and I look at my 5 year old relationship with new eyes…I am just lucky that he is here, he loves me and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me…I need to stop sweating the small stuff.

These few reality checks (and many more) have given me my second wind which will get me through my days and nights…I was feeling overwhelmed and underinspired until I made it through this week and realized that my moments of safety, love and happiness are the important things…I should focus on savoring those aspects of my life rather than yearning for things I cannot have/change.

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