Saying Goodbye

20 12 2009

A few years ago, my grandfather died…one week before Christmas. It turned my world upside down because he meant the world to me. I have never been able to get over this and it has tainted all of my Christmases to follow. This is the first year I have been able to handle the pain and loss I face when this time of the year comes around without breaking down and freaking out. I need prayer to face this sorrow…

He died a painful and horrific death in a hospital that felt antiseptic and uncomfortable…but he died surrounded by family. I can rest assured that he didn’t die alone and he didn’t die abandoned. I do worry that I never let him know enough when he was alive that I loved him more than words.

His funeral was terrible. I cried out of loss and fear and abandonment…I mourned the loss of a man who loved me unconditionally, shared his joy and pride in my life with everyone he met and constantly told me I was his “favorite” granddaughter even though I was his only granddaughter. I will never get over his death but I can learn to live with the loss.

The worst part was that less than two weeks later, my Dad got remarried to his second wife and I was so wracked with grief that I got three-sheets-to-the-wind drunk and cried at the wedding. I know that isn’t really responsible but I was really young and didn’t know what to do with my Dad’s remarriage and my loss of a figure who meant the world to me.

As a result…I ask for a little extra prayer this year as I face another year with the loss of a family Christmas, the loss of my grandfather and the loss of all that meant so much to me. I struggle at Christmas these years because I miss Grandpa Bubba, I miss Christmas mornings at home with my Dad and brother opening presents near the tree and I miss seeing family together. These years, I spend Christmas with D’s family (who have generously and graciously invited me to become part of their family for the holidays)…but I never forget the joy I had as a child when my family got together to celebrate and love each other.

I am begging God to let me make it through these holidays with the joy of memories I can cherish and experiences he granted me as a child when I got the chance to learn, love and spend holidays with family!

Merry Christmas to all of my readers 🙂

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