Nameless

2 12 2009

So one of the things that really affected me over Thanksgiving Break was an issue that I had been hoping to lay to rest over the weekend. I had made the decision to start to look for my birth mother in South Korea (this decision was made in the last six months and I was finally starting to feel positive about it). My Dad has all of my adoption papers and he was going to bring them to Thanksgiving so I could look through them and get some information to search for my adoption agency and birth mother. ..but he forgot. I was ok with that but once we started talking about it I realized something…

He said there was no name on any of the papers for my birth mother.

I was devastated. I had been looking forward to getting those papers for weeks, getting more and more excited about finally knowing the name of my birth mother and getting started on the search for her. In my mind, it would be so easy to get the ball rolling once I had those papers…little did I know that things would be getting more complicated from then on.

I don’t know where to start now. That was a big blow to my plans to find my birth mother but I need to readjust my plans and figure out who I need to talk to at the adoption agency so I can get looking. I guess it was foolish to assume that there would be a name printed in black ink on those papers that would lead me straight there to the place where I could find her but I wanted hope.

I have this fear that if I don’t start looking for my birth mother, she might not be alive if I wait and choose to look for her later. I feel like there is a ticking clock looming over me and I need to start looking asap…but I don’t even know if she is alive, what her name is or if she would want to meet me…so I need to reevaluate and consider all of the possible outcomes here so I don’t get my hopes up again to have them dashed to the ground.

This was one of the biggest issues that had me upset this weekend. I knew that I shouldn’t let it get me down but the holidays are tough for me and I was worried about spending the holiday with my Dad and brother. The reaction I had to finding out that there was no name on those adoption papers sent me reeling and I was confused and sad and hopeless…I felt like there was nowhere to turn and I didn’t know where to start. Now, I am back at square one, but I know that since I survived that, I can survive any other blows that come my way.

For now, she is nameless…but someday, I want to put a name to the mother who gave me life and cared enough about me to leave me somewhere that I could be cared for and placed in adoption. Someday…she won’t be nameless.

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