24 11 2009

I have vivid dreams.

I have dreams that seem very real to me and often affect my waking life due to the realistic nature of the dream and the way in which it relates to my real life. Ever since I was really young, my dreams have terrified as well as intrigued me because they are such emotional events which influence my life and the way I perceive people. My biggest concern is that my dreams make me feel differently about people after I dream about them and it influences the way I live my life even though the dreams aren’t real. I get confused emotionally and mentally when considering the implications of my dreamscapes infringing on my everyday life.

When I was younger, my mother’s constant illness and midnight trips to the ER were enough to scare me to the point of incapacitation. I was terrified she would miss her anti-rejection medications and I was too young to understand that she would not drop dead if she was a little late with one of her doses. I had a recurring nightmare for 20 years wherein I am running through my elementary school and I am searching for her medications. I cannot find the drugs for the longest time and I know my mother is dying without them but I can’t search any faster. When I finally find them, there is a loud voice counting down slowly (I would assume to my mother’s death) as I race from the school to where she is. As fast as I try to run, my steps get slower and slower and the medications get heavier and I feel as if I am wading through molasses. I am incapable of running faster…and then the voice runs out of numbers and I usually wake up screaming.

I have also had numerous dreams where people I am close to have betrayed me (definitely a manifestation of my pain and fear of being abandoned, betrayed, hurt by the ones I trust). I struggle to separate my dream life from my real life but every time I have one of these dreams, I am shaken to the core by their power. Last night’s dream was just as incredibly strange because I was intrigued by a dream about an ex boyfriend that I had buried pretty deep. I had not thought about this person for years and all of a sudden, all of the emotions came flooding back. I had not thought about Nate for years because we did not exactly part ways on the best of terms but I miss the sweetness with which he treated me. He was a Southern gentleman who treated me like a queen and definitely adored me…but I wasn’t ready for him at 18 years of age. I regret that we didn’t stay in touch because my dream about him last night unburied a ton of memories and emotions and I don’t know what to do with them. Just another issue that has come from these super-realistic dreams because I feel like I am being yanked around by my dreams and memories…

Are dreams really a wish your heart makes? Are dreams just manifestations of our buried desires, fears, thoughts, etc.? Why do dreams affect us in our real life to such an extent?




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