Following Hope

3 11 2009

The past month or so has been kind of difficult for me because I have been in a rut. There’s no other way to say it…I am stuck. I have no energy, I have been more negative than usual and I am listening more to ED than I have in a long time…I haven’t acted on it but I feel more aware of the fact that ED is sitting in the background, whispering and tugging at my heartstrings. I didn’t want to write about it because I am trying to deal with it and I thought that I would have dealt with it and moved past it by now. I have been struggling for a little more than a month and I know that worrying won’t help so I am going to write it out and hope that I can purge it that way.

Every once in a while, I get tired…not like “I need a nap” tired but “I can’t function because I am so exhausted”. I have no motivation and I get really apathetic to the world…I can usually tell that things are heading in that direction and check my negative self talk and re-evaluate where I am in my life and turn it around but this one was fast, hard and I am spiraling out of control. I feel like the world just spirals narrower and narrower down into this dark place and I am just unhappy.

I need to step back, re-evaluate and figure out why I am so sad and depressed and work on it. I cannot let this depression get ahold of me right now since I have worked hard to get away from it for the past few years. I worked really hard to be more positive, surround myself with positive people who are good and supportive friends to me so that I can keep myself from getting too down. I went to years of counseling and therapy, I took all the pills and I did all the psychoanalysis that led me to the conclusion that I am just going to battle depression and if I am strong enough, I can make it.

I am not on the anti-depressants that clouded my world and made me feel like I was wrapped in this insulating bubble wrap. I don’t have to spill my guts to someone who stares at the clock waiting for the 60 minutes to pass. I don’t have to worry anymore…I just have to believe that I can be happy and visualize my joy…and it will happen…I hope.

So…I am going to continue to battle depression without the pills and the doctors. I am going to cry when I need to cry and sleep a little more than usual and try to get a little more fresh air and sun to battle the sadness but I won’t succumb to the numbing weight that leaves me stuck.




4 responses

3 11 2009
Ms. A. Topp.


I most certainly know how you feel with being in a rut. I’ve felt that way for about a week now… and I know it’s not easy. Just know that there is that silver lining and sometimes writing can help release some of that pain. I, too, went through a lot of the same “therapy” as you- anti-depressants (that only seemed to make me more depressed) and psycho-babble from someone who clearly had never felt the way I did. I thought they both were a crock-o-crap and I decided to brave the world without them. I’m not saying it was easy, as I am sure your journey isn’t either but it DOES get better! πŸ™‚ If you ever need someone to talk to or someone to pick you up on the darker days I am always here!


3 11 2009

Thanks, dear! I think that part of it is being overwhelmed by the end of school coming and not knowing the next step…another part is the gloomy weather always affects me negatively…the third is the ongoing long distance with my boyfriend (it’s been over a year and a half). All these things are ok taken individually but when put together, they seem overwhelming so I try to “write them out” to get them out of me πŸ™‚ And I love hearing the awesome feedback! You are such a blessing to me!

3 11 2009
Ms. A. Topp.

Oh my gosh! Anyone would feel overwhelmed and maybe a bit depressed with all of that. I know I HATE change and I had a really hard time adjusting from the college life to the professional one and the uncertainty of where my next job would be! But it all works itself out the way it is supposed to even if it is hard along the way. I have no doubt that even if the next few months are a bit of a struggle before you know it you will be right where you are meant to be! πŸ™‚ And I’ll be happy to hear all about it!

3 11 2009
Shannon Riley

Dougall…love your blogs…I have told you before, but they are inspirational! The last couple weeks have sucked also….Anxiety/nervous feelings are taking over my life! Weather sucks also!! Keep your chin up!

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