29 10 2009

I had a nightmare last night that scared me so much that I woke up crying and screaming…it’s been a while since I had a dream so vivid and the only time that I usually have dreams that seem so realistic and vivid are when they are nightmares. In fact, I can never even remember having a good dream that didn’t either morph into a nightmare or that was simply a good dream.

The most that I can remember was living in this house and a guy came in with this shotgun. For some reason, I told my boyfriend to run and hide while I held the madman off. I don’t know why I would be the one to fend off the attacker while my boyfriend hid but that must have been some part of my subconscious’s urge to continually protect him. We ran up the stairs and I remember D running to a different room than I did because the madman was on our heels and we split up. I desperately wanted to hide but the only spot was under the bed and before I could get entirely under the bed because it was wedged next to a dresser and quite low to the ground. I ended up kneeling wedged near the bed and dresser, looking quite vulnerable when weirdo came into the room with his gun, flicking on the light. The thing that happened next surprised me…I bowed my head as he lowered the barrel of the gun to my forehead, pressing the cold steel against my head…and then he squeezed the trigger. I thought it would snap or hurt or crack but I wasn’t even startled. The next thing I could remember was waking up in the same place in that empty room.

I ran downstairs, looking out windows and I saw my roommates S and J downstairs watching this army guy pull in with D. Downstairs, I was able to figure out that D was ok, the gunman hadn’t gotten to him…and that I was dead. I couldn’t be touched, seen, heard or felt…unless I tried REALLY hard. **I know this sounds like Ghost but I have never even watched that movie so I don’t know where I came up with this**. I followed D around trying to figure out what happened but I couldn’t talk to him or touch him and he couldn’t see me. He was living his life…and I couldn’t be part of that anymore. I realized how devastating it would be if that happened in real life because I couldn’t watch him date someone else, fall in love and live his life without me there to share it with him.

I was just starting to panic because I couldn’t imagine life where I couldn’t kiss him, hug him, feel his skin or the feeling of his arms around me. I couldn’t imagine life where I couldn’t interact with the love of my life and I could feel the panic rising like a tide when…my phone rang and I woke up to my boyfriend…the man I suddenly have new appreciation for. I burst into tears, told him the story and he calmed me down, but I realized that I don’t want to die, that I still have so much living to do and so much love to experience. I’m not done loving him…




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