Empty Pumpkins

29 10 2009

A few weeks ago I was carving pumpkins at my boyfriend’s house with his family and I realized the parallelism between the act of scooping out the inside of the pumpkin and the past few years of my life. I spent so many years keeping myself empty, starving myself because the feeling of being full made me panic. I felt like I didn’t deserve to be full, like it was this strange, alien feeling that made me feel out of control. It was strange how panicked eating a salad or drinking a bottle of water could make me feel…I felt like I hadn’t earned food or water, and the act of nourishing my body made me guilty. I felt like my body didn’t deserve to be cared for, like I didn’t deserve to be cared for and that meant that eating was scary.

Carving the insides of that pumpkin, scraping the tender flesh, the delicate seeds pulling away and coming out in clumps tangled in textured wet strings…it seemed reminiscent of the act of reincarnation that I went through when I gave up ED. This might seem strange but I recognized the feeling of being cleaned out. I remembered what it felt like in therapy when I loosed my pain, fear, doubt, anger, resentment and sadness on the world and cleaned myself out emotionally.

Seeing the inside of that pale orange pumpkin reminded me that I can clean my emotions and thoughts out when they clog my mind and I can start anew…as perfectly pale and smooth as the inside of that pumpkin. That pumpkin was cleaned out, uncomplicated and smoothly blank – a tabula rasa just awaiting the first confident strokes of an artist’s brush. I loved that feeling or reincarnation, of renewal. I need to remember to clean out my mind once in a while and reclaim that joy and weightlessness that came with unloading all the heavy emotional burdens that I drag around on my bowed shoulders from day to day.

I need to transform into an empty pumpkin…ready to be transformed into a work of art that glows with accomplishment, joy and contentment.

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