Letting Go

27 10 2009

There are so many things in the world that I clutch onto tightly because I am afraid of letting them go…I feel like if I let them go, I won’t be able to get control of them ever again. I feel like if I let my control go, I won’t be able to get ahold of it again; I feel like if I cry, I won’t be able to stop; when I was deep in ana, I felt like I would never get full because I was so hungry. Sometimes, I just need to let go.

This fear has haunted me since I was little. I always was afraid of losing things…I never wanted to lose control because I was so scared of loss…I had already lived through so much loss and I was terrified of losing more. I kept mementos and little souvenirs from specific moments, convinced that if I kept my emotions in that souvenir, I wouldn’t lost control. I could pour all that feeling into the item and then as long as the item existed and was mine, I could keep it safe and it would exist.

It has been a long road, but I finally see that I cannot keep everything. I have to face the fact that impermanence is a part of life, which is in itself ephemeral, and I need to learn to let go. I need to learn that there’s nothing wrong with letting go sometimes and that it is ok to lose control once in awhile. I need to learn to give some things up…

One thing that sparked this whole big issue is watching Grey’s Anatomy tonight on Lifetime when Denny Duquette comes back to Izzy and in this episode, a woman signs a DNR form and her husband struggles to let him go. Even though this woman was older and very ill, and she was justified in her decision to sign the DNR form, I was saddened by her husband’s inability to let her die. He didn’t want to see her go because after a lifetime of love, it would be too sad to see their relationship ended. That spoke to me.

My mother’s illness meant that there were a lot of forms, a lot of surgeries, a lot of hospital visits and she finally got tired of it. I can still remember the day that she told me that she had signed a DNR form…she had given up. I lost a lot of respect for her because she was giving up; I understood that she was sick and tired but I also came to believe that if she could give up on herself, that she was giving up on us. A big piece of our relationship died that day…I guess DNR forms are a touchy subject with me.

I also realized that the reason that they are so sensitive with me is because I wasn’t ready to let go, I have never beeen ready to let go. I need to learn to let go and live life in the moment instead of worrying about the future and hanging onto the past. I need to learn that it’s ok to move past this moment and not be afraid of what comes next. It might be tough, but I feel like living more in the moment will give me more life experience.

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