5 10 2009

I have OCD. I have had really bad OCD since I was little when my therapist diagnosed me with this crazy disorder that makes my life and my friends and family’s lives a little nuts.

I don’t like wrinkles in fabric. I don’t like dripping faucets, doors ajar, things half open or closed, crooked things, things that should be all one way or another, dirty things, germs, smudges and a million other things.

One of the things I really struggle with is odd numbers. I cannot stand odd numbers. I have to have the volume, temperature, the sleep mode on my tv, my alarm to wake up, the number of Diet Mt. Dews in my mini fridge, etc. in odd numbers and I know people think it is crazy when I see them change the volume and ask them to put it on an even number, but that is who I am.

I fold things neatly, I used to iron my jeans and underwear to get rid of wrinkles and I would wash and wash and wash to keep myself as sterile as possible because I was scared of the dirt. I am weird. I am crazy. I spent years of my life trying to get over this weird compulsion but it’s still there.

I check to make sure I have the keys to my car before I get out because I am terrified I will lock them in. I check and check and check to make sure doors are locked, windows are closed, things are turned off and that all is as it should because I am scared the house will burn down, the keys will get locked in, the doors are locked, etc. I need to be in control of things because it scares me that I will lose control and never get it back.

If I see something that bothers me, even if I am sick or tired and already in bed, I have to get up and fix it. Something as small as closing a closet door all the way can get me out of bed because I can’t sleep if I don’t know for sure that it’s ok.

I do things in multiples of ten now. I have to do certain things to 10 or I go crazy.

My boyfriend has to say certain things to me in a certain way to get me to calm down. If he says them at all differently or in the wrong order, I freak out.

If I am channel surfing and see something, I have to go back to that channel til the weird feeling passes.

I am weird.

I need to be in control. I think losing control of stuff is one of the biggest things I struggle with…and another is letting people see this so I am really great at hiding this from most people aside from D and my fam.

I hope someday I can let go…




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