Opening the Cage…

29 09 2009

This last week was really emotional for me for a lot of personal reasons and I found myself turning to food (as usual) when I am stressed, anxious, upset, etc. I have not been feeling the greatest due to allergies so I haven’t had much of an appetite and the feeling of an empty stomach and my clothes riding a little looser on me has triggered old thoughts. I feel like it’s important to eat when I am hungry and stop when full (intuitive eating) but when it comes down to a few days in a row with no appetite and I am starting to slip back into old ways…I need to be conscious of the danger and act accordingly.

I know that the last year has not been great to my body. I gained a lot of weight after my initial recovery from ana because my body’s metabolism had been starving for so long that it went into starvation mode and tried to turn everything into fat to be stored. That meant a lot of weight gain that was easy to control with eating healthfully and working out normally…until I started BC. Birth control gave me a huge weight gain in a short period of time that left me reeling and feeling very insecure since nothing I did made the weight come off. I finally made the decision to go off the BC at the end of the summer and I am starting to slowly lose the weight and get some confidence with the idea that the BC was really to blame and I am not just gaining weight for no apparent reason.

I am trying to do this the right way. It has been a really long time since I threw up after eating and I am trying to keep it that way, even when I trigger hard and feel so out of control that ED is the only thing that can slow me down. I just need to stay positive here and keep on the right path…I’m trusting that my body will find equilibrium and I am fighting like hell not to get sick again and slip back into the old eating habits. I can remember the days when I would eat less than 500 calories a day and I felt like I was dying some days. I felt like the world was hopeless and I couldn’t eat…and if I did eat, I thought I would never get full. I was so hungry…hungry for love, for safety, for acceptance, for happiness. It took me a long time to get this far and I will be damned if I let the beast out of its cage now…wish me luck.

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