The Roots

18 09 2009

The last year has been a turning point for me in terms of wanting to find my origins and get in touch with my beginning. I have always been interested in my Korean heritage and my parents have supported me for years in learning about where I came from and who I am but this is different. As a child, I went to Korean Culture Camps and had a tutor from Korea who taught me Tae Kwon Do and the language and I had some other friends who were adopted from Korea, but it didn’t feel the same as this. This feels like a clock running out of time…there’s a sense of urgency to this.

I want to find my birth mom. I don’t know how to begin this process but I feel like it might begin to heal me in some way that can give me peace. I just want to know what it is like to belong to someone and I really want to see how it feels to look at the woman who carried me around inside of her for months and must have loved me and thought about me and wished for the best for me. I want to know what it feels like to be with someone I am related to by blood…I want to belong to someone.

I feel like there is a race against time because I am scared that since I am 24, I am losing time before she passes on. I don’t know what kind of life she has lived or what her life has dealt her but I don’t know how much longer she will be alive and I don’t want to find out someday that I missed her by a few months or a year or something. I would like to find her now that I feel as if I am in a place where I can delve into my past. I really want to find her and see what happened and where I came from.

As to why I want to find my birth mom and don’t really care to find my dad…I don’t know. I can guess…I wonder if it stems from not having a great adoptive mom and I feel as if there is a hole somewhere that I feel like she can fill for me. I wonder if I will feel more complete having a mother that I belong and I know that she can’t fix all my problems but I know that I need to try.

So I am off on a journey of figuring out who I am and where I came from. I will try to record my ED recovery, my graduation from college and my search for my birth mom on this blog..

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