Mixed Emotions

9 09 2009

Writing about something makes it real…writing about Ana/Mia on the blog made me feel like I was admitting they were real (for the first time in a while) and acknowledging their power. They have spent so many years telling me how to think, what to feel, how to treat myself and I have listened with an all-too-open ear. I realize how much I lost out of life because I let Ana/Mia control me.

Today, I focused on:

I deserve to be happy. Ana/Mia had me convinced that I didn’t deserve joy, contentment, laughter, smiles, peace…that I needed to be thinner to earn joy and once I dropped those pounds, I would find happiness. I know now that I can be happy at any weight and that I deserve joy…no matter what my scale says.

I deserve to be treated well. Ana/Mia told me for years that I had to stick to the strictest of routines and that if I broke them, I would lose control. Ana told me when to eat, what to eat, what to do to burn the calories after eating and Mia whispered sweet nothings about guilt and being stuck. They convinced me that there was no way for me to get out of my routines because I would lose control, lose joy, get fat if I broke the cycles. I deserve to eat. I deserve to enjoy the good food God put on Earth to nourish us.

I deserve peace. Ana/Mia hounded me 24.7 for a loooong time. Nothing I did went without those whispers about how fat I looked, what would happen if I didn’t listen, what I had to do to earn food that day. I know now that those voices need to be laid to rest, ignored, rebuked. I need to find inner balance and love myself.

Knowing all these things and believing in them are two different things, though. I can hear these things over and over and not have enough faith in them to make myself work with them. I need to comfort myself and take joy in the small accomplishments I have seen in the past two years since I stopped starving myself. I need to celebrate the life I have taken back from Ana/Mia and say that I am the master of my choices, not them. I need to stop mourning my bony, thin, dying body I left behind and try to get used to the curves Ana/Mia whisper are “fat”. I need to believe in myself…writing these things will help make them reality 🙂

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