Coming Clean

6 09 2009

I have been thinking about this for a long time and I have decided to come clean on my blog. This is a personal choice and I haven’t made this decision lightly. I have ultimately come to the conclusion that this is something that will help me as I enter new phases in my life and catalog my accomplishments, my successes, the things I can learn from and the journey I have taken. I don’t mean to offend anyone with this choice and hope that I can just clear the air with honesty and earnestness.

I have decided that after 14 years of struggling with ED and hitting rock bottom a few times, recovering, lapsing and generally settling into a cycle of destruction and repetitive self-mutilation…I will use my belief in the power of writing to make a change.

I believe in the power of writing…always have! For most of my life, I have turned to my journals as a way of getting out of my own skin and escaping into the pleasure of putting words on paper and seeing my thoughts formed in flowing ink. God gave me some tough moments, but He also gave me a gift and a tool to manage those moments: writing. I feel as if turning to writing and speaking out about my ED recovery and food can help me feel as if I am using the tool God gave me to make a difference.

I absolutely love reading the inspirational food blogs of other strong, intelligent, beautiful (inside and out) women who have changed their lives with their own determination and courage and I want to take the chance, put this out there and hope that I can make a change, as well. I want to write about food (not in the way I did for years where I calculated everything in notebooks down to the ounces of water I drank so I knew how many calories I ingested v. burned in a day) so I can look back and hopefully find balance, peace and a sense of worth in the way I look at food.

I never thought I could look at food as being beautiful…but reading the blogs of so many women has given me the strength to change my perspective and respect food as fuel instead of an implement of torture. I want to begin again and hopefully find balance between starving and binging. I want to enjoy simple flavors. I want to eat something and not hear Ana/Mia in the back of my head telling me negative things. Thank you to the women who bravely blog, spreading their hope, strength and wisdom to their readers…I couldn’t find it in me to do this if I hadn’t spent the better part of the last year stuck to Google Reader trying to teach myself how to eat.

I hope to make it through this journey…I hope this wasn’t too much information or too serious…I just wanted to make the commitment. This isn’t the first time I have had a blog but I keep getting embarrassed and erasing them (I have been blogging off and on for five years) so I will try not to do that with this blog. This also doesn’t mean that I will photograph everything I eat or what I do each day (at least not at first since I think that will be too much of  a trigger for me…) but I will be talking more about personal choices with food, exercise and mental health as I go on this journey back to health and happiness.

Special thanks to all the women who blog…thank you for being inspirations, role models and supporters (even though you didn’t know you were) for a “lurker” who is learning to love herself again…one bite at a time.

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