A Door Closing

11 06 2009

I got laid off today.

I have very mixed emotions about this development in my life because I sincerely loved my job. I liked the routine, always knowing what needed to be done and knowing how to accomplish it. I liked the orders, and knowing that every day was a challenge for me to tackle…trying not to make errors and get better every week. I liked the people I worked with and the office environment. I liked my job…

It’s sad to leave the job I have had for the last three years…the job that saw me through so much, helped me grow up, become responsible, learn to manage money and insurance and helped me make friends. I found women who mentored me through some of the worst times and gave me great advice, memories and learning experiences. I will never forget Amy who helped me learn how to believe in myself and find some self confidence (partly by believing in me, partly by being such a wonderful role model and partly by giving me some of the best advice I have ever had). I can never forget Jan A. who proved that some couples stay together and gave me hope that someday I can have a relationship and a family like hers. Her bright spirit and never ending smile always made my day…she taught me that people can be happy every day of their lives…and gave me hope for that for myself. Who could forget Beth who cared so much for me and everyone on her team and took the time to really get to know about us? She was the best supervisor I have ever had, teaching me, being patient and giving me the support I didn’t think I deserved. She made me believe that I had assets to offer, and she helped bring me into a more independent place where I believe that I have worth. Tanja taught me that life goes on…even when God throws everything he has at you. When she lost her husband, she learned, grew and became a stronger woman for it…I thought people couldn’t recover, but she takes renewed pleasure in life and her son, friends and family because of her lessons. She taught me how to not take myself so seriously…and be less delicate. Jan Brooks taught me how to care. I cared for her like a friend, a mom, a work buddy…I learned how to laugh from her. She taught me that laughter cures a lot of woes…Those women taught me so much. I made friends, mentors, pseudo-mothers and I found something that I had been missing…trusting in women.

I didn’t trust women for so long…didn’t know how to act around them because my own mom ruined so much of that for me. I learned how to trust from those women.

I am sad to leave CC. I am sad that I was asked to leave a place I have come to love. I know that being moved to a new department where no one knew me and no one cared was a disadvantage. I felt like I had people to go to bat for me on the other team but felt so alone for so long on my new team. I finally felt like I was starting to warm up to people and then this came along…I am struggling to accept it and see it as an opportunity for a new start, a new job and a new career where I might learn more things about myself. I want to believe that this happened for a reason and that there are better things in my future. I wonder if I would have had the courage to leave CC if they hadn’t kicked me out. I wonder if after graduation I would have been able to take the next step…

It was a complete shock to me. I saw that BK, the head of Social, was moved by this event and she was not taking it lightly. I admire her strength, her poise and her wisdom. I also admire that she really truly cares about people in the company…she wants to keep her company strong and she asks that everyone else do their part. I thought I had done my part but apparently I had not. I hope she keeps going and doing what she does…she is a wonderful leader of the company.

Lastly…I was hurt when I was asked to leave. I didn’t know the rules…didn’t know that you had to leave immediately and I went to my mentor to seek comfort. I was asked by HR (?) to go…she wanted to take me to my supervisor but A talked her out of it and they just asked if I needed someone to take me somewhere…I don’t get what she meant. I just apologized, said I hadn’t meant to make a scene and I left. I feel bad…I feel embarrassed. I feel rejected. I feel hurt that I became an outsider in a matter of minutes. I can’t even access my online account with CC to see my benefits or hours or paychecks or anything. I am hurt and saddened by this turn of events.

I hope that I can get through this. I hope that I can look at this as a good change and not one that I wont be able to weather…so much has changed for me in the past few years. I felt like CC was my one constant…I always had work…now I don’t have purpose…if I don’t have to get up in the morning to go to work…what do I have to get up for?

Please, God, let me lean on you…I don’t know who else to lean on.


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