Follow You Into the Dark

4 06 2009

One of my good friends lost his father today to a battle he fought for far too long. His father was very ill for a long time and part of me feels relieved saying that my friend, his father and his family don’t have to endure such wracking pain anymore…but the other part of me says “That doesn’t make it better”. I feel like the pain only begins…

When I found out the news…I started crying. Unexplained tears rolled down my face as I sat there, absorbing the news. The loss of a man I have never met in person but have heard a lot about breaks my heart…especially since my friend and I shared that burden…my mother has cancer…has had cancer for a long time and is fighting…fighting what might be a losing battle. I think the news hit close to home and made me realize how easy it is to lose a parent.

Honestly, I am not close with my mom. She has not been my mom for a long time now…that doesn’t mean that she wasn’t my mom when I was a little girl but she ceased to be that person years ago. I have not had a close relationship with her in years and I actually look at other women as being closer to a mother figure than her…I feel like I have spent years searching for a mother figure to fill that void that she couldn’t. She is a sick woman, in more than just her physical state, and I know that I missed out on having a relationship with a mother when I see and hear about the interactions my friends have with their mothers. What is that sense of love, comfort and being taken care of feel like? What does it feel like to know that your mother loves you? What does it feel like to belong to someone both in their hearts and in terms of their bodies? I want to know what it feels like to belong to someone…

Part of this displacement comes from my fear that D is my only true family. I have a loose relationship with my father that sometimes makes me sad because we have such a distance between us and I almost feel like he is a stranger at times. I don’t really have new memories with him…just ones from when I was a kid. We see each other infrequently…once or twice a year. He’s there for me when I need him on the phone a lot of the times, and he has supported me financially and emotionally, but I have to edit a lot of what I say to him…

D is my family…I love him so much and it kills me that we are struggling so much right now because I would hate to have that sense of displacement that I had when we broke up. I felt lost…alone…I actually spent that year’s Thanksgiving and Christmas alone at my house with my chihuahua because I had nowhere to go. It sucked…eating pasta in bed with my dog, crying, watching movies and thinking about everyone else surrounded by family and friends on such a special day…

I know that D and I have problems but I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him…I don’t know what I would do without him. We made the understanding that he is not to die before me…I want to die before him so that I don’t have to know that pain of losing him…I couldn’t bear it.

I think that my biggest fear isn’t death or being in pain or anything else…my biggest fear is being left behind, abandoned or rejected. Being left behind is my worst nightmare.

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