A Mother’s Love…or Lack Thereof

4 06 2009

Lately, my yearning for a mother has increased…it isn’t the fact that I never had a mother. I had a mother…I had one who was loving and strange and dysfunctional when I was little, one who showed me that she was capable of being a loving maternal figure, and who dashed me to pieces when her condition worsened and she became this horrific figure. She became incapable of being a mother, incapable of loving, incapable of being a stable force in my life. I resent her for having this condition that deteriorated her personality to such a degree that she could not be a mother for me or my brother…the warning signs were all there when I was younger and they got worse and worse as I got older.

I realize that she was there when I was younger but I have been able to erase most of the memories I have when she was a good mother because of all the horrible memories she has created that override the good times. She was such a wreck when I was in my teens and she really did everything she could to ruin any happiness other people had. I remember when she and I were fighting and she looked at my dad and said “It’s her or me. Either I leave or she has to go” and I was scared that my dad would pick her…she said horrible things to me and my brother (mostly to me) and she was so twisted…

I wish that she was a better person, especially now that I am old enough that it would have been nice to see how a mother/daughter relationship changes as the daughter grows older…but it’s too late for that. Now, I have this yearning to find my birth mother.

I have always toyed with the idea of finding my real parents but never thought it was something I would want to venture into because I was sure that it would lead only to more pain and heartbreak. I now think that I need to take the chance. I am almost 24…how old is she? I might not have another decade to wait to find her. I might look back and wish I had looked for her while I had the chance to meet her…but…

What if she doesn’t want to meet me? What if my adoption file is closed and I can’t find her? What if she is dead? What if she has other kids? Will I feel betrayed that she kept them and got rid of me? What if I can’t find her? What if she is absolutely nothing like me and I don’t find the answers I think I will find in her? Maybe everyone needs their pipe dream and this can be one of mine…maybe the hope, thought, dream of having her represent these things for me is enough and I don’t need to change them by finding her and having those dreams destroyed by the all-too-disappointing truth…who knows…

Maybe all I want is a mother’s love.

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