Skinny Jeans

18 11 2012

Cullen and I went shopping today. I bought skinny jeans. I liked the way they looked but thought they made me look bigger than other cuts of jeans I own. We got home and I tried them on and felt as though they might be returned as a result of the way they looked on my hips and thighs. I waited for his verdict and he actually liked the way they looked on me but I was quite self deprecating about my appearance. That’s when I realized what I was saying…

I am a size four. Why am I calling myself fat when I wear a pant size smaller than the average woman? I’m not fat, I’m curvy.

I also hated that I wanted to hear his opinion instead of forming one on my own. My appearance is important first to myself and secondarily to the man I am dating. I dress for myself, not others.

Ultimately, I am healthy, I’m thin and I’m beautiful. The negative self talk should not be something I engage in because I am not a cookie cutter image of the sticks that we see splattered all over society.

I am beautiful.

I am strong.

I embrace myself…curves and all.

Learning How to Die

26 10 2012

It isn’t something I share with many people but I have spent a good portion of my life in hospitals. I grew up with many people who were close family members being gravely ill and much of my childhood was marked by hospital visits and saying goodbye. This has shaped me as an adult in that I find it difficult to bond with people who haven’t dealt with loss because their priorities and perceptions of life and the world are drastically different than mine.

Saying goodbye has become a life motif for me. I can’t avoid that so many people I love(d) have been ill and I have grown up surrounded by doctors, pain, surgery, and death. At some point I anesthetized myself by creating emotional, proximal and physical boundaries that buffered me from the inevitability of death and the unfairness of loss too soon.

None of that has assisted me in processing what I am going through right now. Someone I love is quite ill and I can’t fix it, avoid it or ignore it. She doesn’t have much time and it terrifies me as it recalls all the other losses I have experienced, compounding the grief.

In addition, someone quite close to me is losing a parent and it is breaking my heart to see the grief and fear and sorrow encompassing this person. I am doing my best to stay strong as the day draws nearer when that parent won’t be in this person’s life and everything will change. I hope that my heart has enough love and my arms have enough strength to hold this person close and keep them safe. I would give anything in my power to be the one experiencing this instead of them…how much loss and pain can a person take before they shatter irreversibly?

This brings to mind the brave women who have shown me not only how to live…but how to die. These women gave everything in their last days to experience life, give love and be beacons of light as they faded from this world. Their strength, patience, humility, courage and beauty reminds me that trivial matters in life can’t keep me down because nothing compares when held up against the privilege of another breath, another moment, another day.

Thank you for showing me not only how to live, but how to die.

Dedicated to DH, KLD and PM.

All my love, and all my thanks.

With and Without You

6 03 2012

I changed my life after my breakup. Many things were too painful to continue to do since they reminded me of my relationship and I found it easier to create new habits and enjoy new activities rather than try to do the same things I used to do with D all by myself.

Things I Have Avoided Since the Breakup:

-Dave Matthews Band and Red Hot Chili Peppers (our bands)

-Going to the movies


-Sleeping on one side of the bed (I now try to sleep in the middle so I don’t feel as alone)

-Photo Albums (buried mine and don’t look at them since almost every picture has D)

-Christmas (my once fav holiday was spent on the beach in Islamorada bawling my eyes out)

-Dolce (it hurts too much to see her and remember that the three of us made a family)

-Indian Lake (the place that we had “our rock” and where I got my first “I love you”)

-Clothes, jewelry and presents he gave me

-Weddings (I skipped a good friend’s wedding because it hurt too much to go to a wedding when I had just given up on the man I thought I was going to marry)


Things I Have Started Enjoying (Again) Since the Breakup

-Free Time (I don’t feel guilty for reading or writing blogs, reading in bed, watching movies late at night, doing my nails, practicing yoga or spending time on me rather than my relationship)


-Remembering that I am worthy of being loved, remembering that I am beautiful, remembering that I am special (I feel like I lost this when I started seeing myself through his eyes rather than the way the rest of the world sees me…when he stopped liking what he saw through his eyes I started disliking myself as well)

-Foster the People, M83, Lana Del Rey (and tons of other music that he would have hated)

-Sleeping in the middle of my bed with tons of books, clothes, makeup and jewelry strewn all over since I DON’T HAVE TO SHARE IT WITH ANYONE

-Eating yogurt and drinking wine for dinner…and not feeling bad about not cooking a proper dinner

-Making new friends

-Buying new (and smaller) clothes that make me feel strong, beautiful and seksi

-Working…a lot…like all the time…and not feeling guilty because I don’t have someone to get home to at the end of the day

-Traveling (Islamorada, FL – Spokane, WA – Manchester, TN are all places I have been or places I will visit this year)

-Celebrating the people in my life that supported, loved and helped me grow into myself since I lost the man who gave me an identity for so many years

Part of Me

18 02 2012

I know it’s been a long time since I updated this site and I wont deny that part of my trepidation about writing stemmed from the fact that I employ a lot of emotion when writing and I was scared of the depths of emotion that I developed post-breakup. There was a sense of plunging into fathomless depths of feeling if I started writing again so I allowed myself a respite from all that emotion and stopped writing. I knew that I would be coming back to myself when I started writing again and although I had a few false beginnings…I really started to feel a desire to write again in the last week or so.

Part of this return to writing came when I went to our family condo in Islamorada, FL for Christmas with my dad and stepmom because I began writing and editing a line of books with her that she is releasing this year. Working that closely with the texture and nuance of words kindled a fire that was smoldering beneath a lot of pain…and even though it meant writing with tears in my eyes many nights, I began to write and love words again. 

Writing has always been a constant in my life and words have always been a place of safety and consistency for me as I have grown. My vocabulary has grown and changed but the texture and feel of words has not changed no matter how much I have. I will always love the way I can roll words around in my head or my mouth and sense whether the word has the right shape, texture and residual correctness for a blank that needs filled. That satisfaction of finding the right word is better than almost anything else I can think of (which might tell you how satisfying my life is right now).

My return to writing comes with the caveat that I do it for myself. Not for my readers, my friends, my family or the man that has recently made me come to love words and my skills with them. I made the promise to myself that when I picked this back up it would be for myself, my reasons and my desires and no one else’s. I knew that it would hurt to write, to explore my mind and find things that inspired me again but it hurts less every time I write. It’s refreshing to find things that inspire me to write, it’s bolstering to do something I am really good at.

It reminds me that no matter how much I have lost, I have not lost this. This is a part of me that no one can take away from me.

Filling the Spaces

8 10 2011

I was so exhausted yesterday. The week was filled with moving, lots of goodbyes and sad moments, tons of work and stress and not nearly enough sleep. The result of all that stress was a final meltdown after work on Friday where I fell asleep around 8pm and slept off and on until 9am the next day. I did wake up a few times when the roommates came home and left and I blogged around 3am but otherwise I caught up on some much needed sleep. I realize that the times that I am the most vulnerable emotionally are when I am sick, tired and not feeling well…so I need to take care of myself to avoid getting so run down that emotional meltdowns like yesterday occur.

The plan for today was to run some errands and to unpack most of the boxes in my room. I moved in and just piled boxes all over since I had limited time and that resulted in an interesting wardrobe situation all week since I couldn’t find most of my clothes, shoes or makeup. I hung a curtain (yes, one) and got most of my clothes hung and sorted through so I know that I definitely need to do laundry tomorrow. The boxes have been emptied almost all the way and are stacked against one wall, the sheets are on the bed rather than sitting in a box next to the bed and I can walk around the room safely without adding bruises to my already battered legs. It was a successful day.

I also had a good talk to my bestie, Chili Pepper, and it was amazing to laugh and talk to her and remember that no matter how bad things are in my heart…there are always people that can make me laugh. Thanks to the besties that have been there for me as I go through this ordeal. Mel, Chili Pepper, Shanny Pants, and my step mom have all been wonderful shoulders to cry on as I heal my heart and try to find new love. Doom, Ogre, Marti, Uppers, Ryan, Lil Nazi and Narm have all been awesome guys as I get my shit back together and vacillate between slutsauce drunkenness and crying alone while curling my hair before I go out. Thanks to all of you for taking care of me and showing me who my real friends are and how much you guys care about me! It has been really rough and I know that I have spent most of the time… ahem…drinking self medicating but it has been a process to get over this breakup.

Hopefully, we are turning a corner? A corner where there is less Patron and more productivity?

The “Divorce”

8 10 2011

I wonder what you are thinking right now…whether I ever cross your mind, whether you see something and think of me or catch your breath when you see someone on the street and think that it’s me for a split second. I wonder whether you think about the last six and a half years and ask yourself where we went wrong, how we ruined our relationship so badly. I think about your hands, your eyes, your lips and I miss the closeness of having someone in my life who knew me better than anyone else in the world…someone who could anticipate what I was thinking, what I wanted, what I would say just because they knew me so well. I miss lying on your chest and hearing your heart beat and knowing that your heart belonged to me and only me. I miss belonging to someone.

It’s surreal being back in this house since this is the last place I lived on my own before I lived with your family and then with you. I have this strange sense that you are just about to call me or walk in the door and then I remember that we aren’t together anymore and that you’ll never call or walk in the door again. It’s nice to be around people and have friends close again but I feel like the trade off of gaining friends and losing you was unfair. I keep reminding myself that love isn’t always enough and that even though I loved you with my entire being…we just were not meant to be together for the rest of our lives and it would have been unfair to try to keep each other tied down to an unhappy relationship. It was so hard to walk away from you when I knew that you would have spent the rest of your life with me but I thought we both deserved the chance to be with someone who we were perfectly paired with instead of fighting tooth and nail to make it work between two people that were incompatible as we were. I thought I was doing the right thing but I didn’t know that doing the right thing would be so heart breaking.

I pray that you find someone that can love you in all the ways that I couldn’t. I pray that I find someone like that, too. I pray that the pain of not having you in my life subsides soon.

This has been my beautiful broken time. My heart is broken, my body is broken. My mind keeps breaking as I push thoughts and memories of you away time and again. I feel like I have been through a divorce since I felt like we were husband and wife except for the ceremony and I feel like I lost all of that when I realized that neither of us were happy but that you would never leave me. This beautiful broken time after the “divorce” as we refer to it has tested me, strengthened me, broken me and will hopefully purify me…I’m so sorry I did this to us.


8 10 2011

I keep having dreams about him. I fell asleep early because I was really short on sleep this week and that can make me emotional so I figured that going to bed was a good choice. Little did I know that my subconscious would have plans of its own. I dreamt about our breakup, packing stuff up, dividing stuff again and essentially finding out through his phone that he was dating a skinny blonde. I felt happy for him buy jealous in the dream and I know that it will be devastating to be replaced by each other when we get to that point. We went from thinking we would spend the rest of our lives together to being apart in the same town, just blocks apart geographically but great spans of space apart emotionally. I just want to stop thinking about him, to stop missing him. I know I’ll always love him but I want the longing to end.